Twin on Trial for Killing Sister

In an unusual trial, a twin joined to her sister through the side was found not quilty of murder. Upon discovering that the dead sister had control of both arms, the case was declared a suicide. The family mourns the loss. Funerals will be held only after a serious operation to separate the dead from the living.

Rabbit Overdoses on Tacos, Dies

Stevie Bunkleshnicks, Ed Townsend's favorite breeder rabbit died yesterday when he learned to love tacos a little too well. Ed stated that the rabbit had always been fond of mexican food, especially egg rolls, but that fatefull morning Ed decided to give Stevie a surprise. Rather than the normal meal of eggnog, cracker jacks, and lemonade, Ed turned up with a whole platter of tacos. The rabbit took one bite and immediately fell in love with the food. It crammed as much taco into its mouth as would fit, and since that was only about a fifth of a taco, it began stuffing the rest of it into any other available bodily orifice. It is unknown at this time whether the cause of death was the taco sauce burining its way through the ear canal to the brain, or the lettuce blocking the nasal passages.

Stuffed Bear Found at Garage Sale

Earlier this morning, one of our top reporters was out on his usual walk through the neighborhood when he saw what looked like a garage sale. Upon closer examination, he discovered that a garage sale was exactly what it was. What to his astonishment did he see then, but a small stuffed bear. It was about 1 foot high, and made of fake brown fur. Not only that, but it had a shiny red ribbon around its neck. What looked at first to be eyes were in fact black buttons, and most shocking of all, it was wearing no clothes. Our reporter then picked up the bear and asked the wrinkly woman at the card table what its price was. The bear only cost $1.50, so the reporter bought it to give to his niece.

Pills of Wrath

Last Tuesday, scientists from the Institution for the Making of Stuff announced their latest breakthrough. Through a number of years hard work, they have finally come up with the solution to many of the world's problems--Hate Pills. From their press release:
"Just imagine the usefulness of this product when in comes to wars and vegetables. Yes, that's right, vegetables. If little Jonny or Sally, or Steve... or Bill or Susan or Alberta or Ed Mongington IV... or any other child, for that matter, refuses to eat their green beans. What should you do? Simply mix the hate pill in with all of their other foods, and before long they will be eating the beans joyfully since they can't stand anything else."
After reading this information, we here at the PGPE were duly impressed, though we had one question. If the pills work by being ingested along with the substance that the ingestee will begin to hate, how could that possibly be useful in war? To answer this question, we interviewed the head scientist.

PGPE: So, Dr. Stevens, how is this pill useful in war as your press release claims?
S: It comes in quite useful, actually. First, what if your troops refuse to eat their green beans? You don't want them all dying of scurvy out there on the battle-field, do you?
PGPE: I thought scurvy was caused by a deficiency in vitamin C.
S: Well, it is. But... if you get them to eat their beans... then they'll be happy to eat citrus fruit.
PGPE: Ah, I see. Is there any other use though?
S: As you mentioned before, the application of the product is somewhat limited, and so it's actually quite hard to make it useful in the sense that you could make your army hate the other one more thoroughly.
PGPE: Ok, thanks for yo--
S: But we have, in fact, had quite a success when it came to a few cannibalistic tribes in Africa...
PGPE: Again, thanks for your time and--
S: Though we did have a hard time getting it into the meat...
PGPE: As I said, we're out of time. Goodnight.