Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,
Where have you been? I've been waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and... you guessed it, waiting. I've been going to your web site every few hours for months on end. But do I find a third issue? No. No! NO!!! NEVER!!!! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE?!! JUST FOR ALL THAT MENTAL ANGUISH YOU'VE CAUSED ME, I'M CANCELLING MY SUBSCRIPTION!!!!!!
-Edward Jones

Dear Mr. Jones,
Thank you for your input, and good luck cancelling your subscription to a public web site.
-The Editor

Dear editor type personage,
I have wondered where you have been. I've been sitting here in front of my computer for the last six years expecting the next letter to suddenly pop up, and it never does... . I've gained 180 lbs and my eyesight has decreased to the point where they haven't come up with a term to say just how bad my eyes are. I am writing this to let you know that I am suing you for all you are worth.
Have a nice day.

Very Sincerely and Honestly,
Mr. Rightly Truth
111 Righteous Lane,
Perfection, Kentucky

Dear Mr. Um Truth,
A few points I'd like to make. We have only been publishing for two years and are only behind nine months. What you have done for the other three years and three months is not our problem. Secondly, if you sue us for all we are worth and win, you'll be awarded a brand new one-in-a-million blank piece of paper.
Good luck.

Not so sincerely but completely honest, The Editor

Dear Editor,
Why don't you ever have any articles about socks? They're much more obedient than cows. For example, they stay wherever you put them, they don't need to eat, and they are born housetrained. The only downside is that they don't produce milk, but that can be solved by a simple over-night soaking.
-John Stevens

Dear John,
Thank you for your suggestion. The staff will research your proposition.
-The Editor

Dear Editor,
I'm having a bit of trouble keeping up with you guys. I don't get to read very much and in fact have only read two or three of your papers. Can you send me the rest? I really enjoy your paper.

Joy Full
9876 Eelnworb Rd
Evorg Nedrag, Ainfofilac
85364

Dear Joy,
If you have read two or three of them, you have read them all. In fact, if you have read three, you are ahead of us. We will continue to post the articles biannually. Thanks for enjoying us.
-The Editor

Dear Nandr

Dear Nandr,
It's me again. I wrote to you and you published my question in your first edition. I just wanted to give you an update on my situation. My husband left me, unfortunately, but the little green men are really helping me get through it. You said they would be great company, and they are. Not only do they keep me company, but they are great psychologists as well. They have helped me reach inside myself, to find the true me. I have found that I am really a ball of light floating on a cloud of warm liquid. Life is so easy now. I have no worries, no assets, no fears. The wound my husband left in my heart is nothing. It is healed. These little green men really are a blessing. Thanks so much for attuning me to their helping hands.

Thanks,
Halley Lou Cinantion

Glad to be of service.
-Nandr

Dear Nandr,
I am a single, double headed green monster. I have been searching for my soul mate, but never seem to find it. I enjoy talking and sleeping and eating, with the occasional game on the computer. Can you help me? I'm pretty, as you will see in the picture below.

Desperate,
AHHHH

SENSORED!!

Dear Nandr,
I think I must be hallucinating. One month I get to read you, the next month you're gone. Are you just a figment of my imagination or are you real?
-Confused in Delirium

Dearest Confused,
We are not the figment of any one person's imagination. we are a combination of some of the greatest imaginations this side of wherever. We are compiled day and night by our component parts. As for why we are gone, it is simple. Since we are not the figment of anyone's imagination, we must not exist. This letter is to inform you that you are hallucinating. Best of luck finding a psychiatrist.

Sincerely,
The non-existant Nandr...

Steve! What do you think you're doing, Steve? PUT THAT RABBIT DOWN THIS INSTANT! Don't pretend you can't hear me! You know I know you can! Stop it! PIPE INSULATION DOS NOT GO IN THE LEMON JUICER!!!
-Anonymous


Uh, don't worry, kind reader. We're just as confused as you are.
-Nandr