Letters to the Editor

Dear editor person,
Why don't you ever print any of my letters? I write and I write, but do you ever even acknowledge me? Noooo. Please get your act together soon.
-James

Dear James,
This is our first issue. There was no PGPE before this. I don't know where you were sending your letters, but I'm sure they were highly appreciated wherever they went.
-Editor

Dear Editor:
I know this is your first edition of PGPE, so I thought I'd send in a bit of advice. Lately in the news all you hear about is murders and fires and people blowing things up. There is never anything positive, only death and destruction and malice. So, I think for your paper you should focus on the positive things. And as you know, every good thing starts with a good healthy diet including milk, and milk comes from cows. Therefore, the cow is the basis for all good things. Besides, cows are so pleasant otherwise. I mean, they are peaceful and calm, and very courageous animals. It takes a lot to live knowing you might be the next meal on someone's table. If you are short of stories, I have plenty stored away. For example, just the other day, my cousin Blacky was out grazing when he came upon a poor helpless scared calf all alone. So, bravely, Blacky took it upon himself to help the poor calf find his way back to the herd. If you need any more, just let me know.

Sincerely,

Seymore Cows
123 Pasture Lane
Number 543216987
Milk Land, CA (Calcium)
54321

Dear Seymore,
Thanks for your offer. Be assured that we here at the PGPE are avid cow fans, and if we need any cow stories you'll be the first to know.
-Editor

Dear Editor,
I am so impressed that someone finally got up enough nerve to dedicate an entire publication to the stories that really matter. I salute you.
-Tarence

Dear Tarence,
I am so impressed that someone finally got up enough nerve to dedicate an entire letter to the praise that really matters. I salute you.
-Editor

Dear Nandr

Dear Nandr,
I'm so confused. Mr. Jenkins' parrot just doesn't seem to get along very well with the spider living in the corner. The parrot just arrived in the corner, but the spider has been there as long as I can remember. Mr. Jenkins wants to kill the spider, but the spider is my friend. How do I stop Mr. Jenkins from hurting my friend? I would just get out and bite him, but he has me in this horrible terrible cage. Oh please help me... Please please please help me...


Mr. Binkle
Turtle Corner
Mr. Jenkins' House


Dear Mr. Binkle,
I completely understand your confusion. Unfortunately, since you are in a cage, you can do nothing to help the spider. I'm afraid you'll just have to stand by and watch your spider friend die. But don't mourn for him. After all, spiders just live a very short time as it is, and it is a less vicious way to die than to be eaten by his mate, which is a quite common occurrence. Just one quick swoop, and he's dead, headed towards that big spider haven in the ground. Sweet Dreams.
-Nandr

Dear Nandr,
I always thought I was a people person, always thought I was well liked and well understood, but lately I have been rethinking that. I have these little green men that follow me around. I used to like it. I thought it made me special. But I just don't have any privacy anymore. In fact, my husband is about to leave me because of them. I've asked the little green men time and time again to leave me alone, but whenever I confront them, they start to screech at me. They get so angry, waving their arms all around and such. They really scare me when they get like that. I don't want my husband to leave, but I can't make the green men leave either. I've asked my husband for help, but he tells me it's all in my head. Am I not taking the right approach to get the little green men to leave? It must be, since my husband insists it's all in my head. If I thought about it the right way, maybe I could get them to go away. Can you help me find the right way? Please.


Miss Halley Lou Cinantion
Rubber Rat Drive
Rubber Room, White Jacket
12323


Dear Miss Cinantion,
I'm so sorry that you have to suffer through the demise of your relationship. I know what it is like to lose a loved one over little green men. It is no use to try and make them go away. I've been there too. They will follow you everywhere, never willing to leave. But since you asked, here is the correct way to think. Just think, no matter what happens to you or where you go, you will never ever have to feel lonely. You should learn to enjoy your little green men. They are gerat company if you give them the chance. They really are quite funny and very interesting. Just listen to their stories. You'll see.
-Nandr