Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,
This is a once-in-a-lifetime offer! You have been pre-approved for a VisaCard Express Goldish-Bronze edition credit card! Plus, if you act now, you will be entered for a chance to win five monkeys imported directly from Algeria. (At least one monkey alive on arrival or your money back)

Dear credit card company,
No thanks. I already have some dead monkeys.
-The Editor

Dear Editor,
I really like your newspaper. It is very smart of you to put different sections on their own pages. I like that. My hands don't get quite as messy that way.
-Suzy

Dear Suzy,
I'm afraid to ask what kinds of newspapers you are used to.
-The Editor

Dear Editor,
I love your newspaper! I'd email you a sugar-cookie, but stupid AOL doesn't seem to support that format.
-Emily Fredricksonburg

Dear Emily,
Thanks for the praise and the thought, and yes, I've had that problem too. Have you tried upgrading to version 8?
-The Editor

Dear Editor,
I have a problem. I know this is weird, but I just can't help it. I've looked for self-help books at all the bookstores, but they don't even mention it once. What should I do? I'm in love with my nose.
-NoseLover

Dear NoseLover,
First of all, this seems like a question for the all-knowing Nandr, but since I'm a kind-hearted editor, I'll try to answer as best I can.
I don't think you have much to worry about. All you're suffereing from is a pretty strong case of selective narcisism. I think you and your nose will have a wonderful life together, and the only problem I can think of is that it's impossible to kiss yourself there.
-The Editor

Dear Nandr

Dear Nandr,
I just found a dead cat in the gutter yesterday. Now I know that's not a problem usually, but my daughter wants to keep it so she can dress it up and play house with it. She promises to keep it in the freezer when she's not playing with it so it won't stink too much. I know it would be a little strange, but I really want to make her happy. What should I do?
-Indecisive

Dear Indecisive,
Well, I'm not sure what your question is. Are you asking whether or not you should keep the cat, or whether you should keep it in the freezer? Luckily, the answer is simple either way. Now listen carefully. I'm an expert at this. First find an orange ribbon and tie it on the cat's tail. Then find a bucket that the cat will fit in and fill it with water. Now place the cat in the bucket and freeze it for a few days. Take it out of the bucket, and you now have a wonderful new mantle-piece. Sorry, but your daughter will just have to be dissapointed. Dead cats have too much decorative potential to use them as dolls.

Dear Nandr,
What is love? Is love the absence of hate? Is hate the absence of love? Is it possible to both love and hate the same object? How do I know if I love or hate? Does love lead to hate? Will hate ever lead to love? Can one live on love? Can one live on hate? Are there such a thing as hate and love, or are they simply different faces of passion? Can one love without passion? Can one hate without passion? What is passion? Is passion love? Is passion hate? If passion makes me hurt one I love, is it an example of hate? Why does one hurt? Does one hurt because of love? Does one hurt because of hate? Does one hurt simply because of passion? Why is a passion fruit called a passion fruit? Is it a love fruit? Is it a hate fruit? Can fruit have characteristics of love and hate? Or is fruit simply fruit? What is fruit? Is fruit emotion? Is it something physical? What is "physical"? Is it what I can touch? Is it reality? Is fruit reality? Is passion reality? Is love reality? Is hate reality? Who are you? Are you reality?

Fredrick Filosofer
777 Which Way
What Why, How When
12121

Dear Fredrick,
Uh-huh...