Ghost Sighting

A group of teens was terrified earlier this week when they apparently witnessed a ghost at the old cemetary. The five had decided to camp for the night in the cemetary and arrived at dusk with sleeping bags in tow. One girl tells the story this way:

"We had just finished setting up camp when suddenly Bill says he doesn't feel good and gets up to go. None of us really believe him though, since he's got this wild look in his eyes and keeps glancing around nervously. So anyway, we realize he's just too scared to handle this and we just played along with it and planned to give him a hard time the next day since we knew he wouldn't be venturing back out here tonight. Anyway, we all stayed up pretty late and told ghost stories just to get us in the right mood for a graveyard camp out. Then, just as we're about to go to bed, this white flowing shape glides out from behind the old church building and just stares at us. At least I think it was staring. Anyway, we all just froze and are sitting there not daring to move. After a while, it just sort of faded out behind the church again. That's when we noticed that Mary had fainted. Joe says she's a wimp. Anyway, we figured the ghost didn't want us trespassing on his grave, so we decided to pack up camp and go home. Too bad Bill didn't get to see it, since it was his idea to come here in the first place."

Link Between Monkey and Man Discovered

Earlier today scientists discovered the missing link. It links prehistoric humans to modern day monkeys. This just goes to prove how uncivilized modern man is. Monkeys, be proud. Hold your head high. The truth is known... Monkeys are the highest on the food chain.

Nike Recalls Entire Tennis Shoe Line

In a press conference this morning Nike announced one of the largest product recalls in the history of the US. Apparently the shoe maker was hit hard by the new policy on product child safety. It seems that Nike shoes can be an extreme choking hazard if they are cut into small pieces with a hacksaw and shoved down a child's throat with a chopstick.

Nikey asks that you return all defective merchandise to the store nearest you in exchange for their new and improved steel hacksaw-proof clogs.

Two Headed Baby Found to be Fraud

Despite the commonly held belief that the Jenkin's child really did have two heads, science has proven elsewise. Nicole and Jenn Jenkins, although exhibiting qualities of a person with two heads and two personalities, do not fit into what science declares true humans, and thus have lost all rights granted to human citizens of the US.

Dead Elephants Terrorize Village

According to reports from the small Aqkawapha tribe residing in northern Africa, their peaceful night was shattered yesterday when a herd of dead elephants careened through their village--trampling tents, cooking fires, small fuzzy rodents, stewed small fuzzy rodents, roasted small fuzzy rodents, and small fuzzy rodent soup. The Aqkawaphas were apparently quite shaken up by the incident, though mainly because of the loss of foodstuffs.
As for the dead elephants themselves, "It happens," said the cheif.