Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,
I don't know why everyone thinks cows are so great. Yaks are much better. In fact, I saw a cow vs yak fight when I was down in Mexico. Well, the cow just stood there looking for something to eat, but the yak never hesitated. It just glared at the cow as if to say. "Don't even think about trying to win. We both know I will. So you might as well give up right now." So anyway, after only a few minutes, the cow turned around and left. What a coward.
-Jerry

Dear Jerry,
Uh... Interesting.
-The Editor

Dear Editor,
I don't meen to act like I don't like your way of looking at ads and stuff, but I red in the last issue that your paper was looking for a new editor type person. I think I am your girl. I can type 6 words a minute and can read lots of hard words. I'm a rell good speller too. I won my spelling b this year. And my mommy realy needs some help with mony. I wanna help out, and I reelly think I can do this. Pleas look at my report on my self.
Thanks,
Candy Land

Dear Candy Land,
We exceedingly appreciate your application to the opening of editor to the PGPE. We also greatly appreciate your concern for the welfare of your mother. Unfortunately, we need an applicant capable of typing 7 words per minute. Best wishes to you in your pursuance for employment.
-The Editor

Dear Nandr

Dr. Nandr,
I was eating my supper the other night just as usual when my tooth broke. Without my teeth, I cannot survive, but I can't afford to go to the dentist. What should I do?
-Billy Beaver

Billy Beaver,
The best thing you can possibly do is have one of your closest friends take measurements for your tooth and make one out of wood. You know, it won't be so bad. Some of the greatest figures in history had wooden teeth.
-Nandr

Dear Nandr,
I have a problem. Every time I eat a piece of old meat I get this yucky taste in my mouth and feel like I want to throw up. This is very frustrating for me. Please help.
-Meat Lover

Dear Meat Lover, The first question that comes to mind is, "Why are you eating old meat in the first place?" Of course this might be because you are crazy, which would also explain why you are writing to have me fix your problem. Whatever the reason, though, here's my advice. STOP EATING OLD MEAT! I hope that amazing bit of information helps.
-Nandr

Dear Nandr,
I've been pretty depressed lately. Is there anything you can recommend?
-Depressed in Detroit

Dear Depressed,
First of all, it might help if you called yourself something less depressing, like maybe Jim or Steve. Of course you should only use those if you are a male. Otherwise, try Bob or John. Something else that might help is entering a pie eating contest. If you win, it builds your self-esteem, and if you lose, you're still going to be on a sugar high for the rest of the day, so you probably won't feel depressed until next morning.
-Nandr