The Practical Guide to Practically Everything

Woman Sues Garbage Disposal Maker

The hearing for the case of Suzan Murdol vs. Happy Grinder took place yesterday. She was sueing the garbage disposal company for damage to her favorite hat when she inadvertantly stuffed it down the disposal while it was running. Her accusation:

"Those things are dangerous! And there wasn't even a warning label stating the possible danger involved in sticking hats or any other type of clothing down them. And what about poodles? What if someone stuck their poodle in the garbage disposal without knowing what it would do? Would you want that on your concience?" After only a few minutes of this case, the judge had rolled his eyes so much that he got a headache and dismissed the whole thing. I talked to the CEO of Happy Grinder aftarwards, and he had this to say:

"This has certainly opened our eyes to the need for better warning labels. So while we are definately frustrated with Miss Murdol's lawsuit, we will try to be more explicit with the instructions on our disposals in the future. For example, we'll make sure to include: DO NOT HOLD BREATH WHILE OPERATING DISPOSAL, and MAKE SURE DISPOSAL IS TURNED OFF WHEN INSERTING HEAD TO LOOK FOR ALIENS IN DRAIN PIPES. We hope this will help."

Killer on the Loose

Be on the look out for an extremely dangerous criminal. He escaped from police today after being arrested for harrassing the local wildlife. He is armed and dangerous and carries on his person a very deadly poison suitable to kill even the largest mammals on the planet.

We questioned the arresting officer today to find out what happened. "I don't know what happened. There he was in my grasp. I put the handcuffs on him and next thing I know, poof, he's gone."

Our criminal is approximately 3ft long, 3 inches around. His scales are multicolored, ranging from tan to green. Other noticable markings include bands of white and black near the rattle on his tail. Local police are offering rewards to anyone that has information leading to the arrest of Slithering Sam.

Monkey Falls from Telephone Wires, Splats

Police were baffled early this morning by a report of a dead monky on the sidewalk. An investigation determined that it had fallen from the telephone lines directly above. It has yet to be determined what the monkey was doing up there in the first place. We interviewed the woman who reported the incident. "It was awful," she said, "At first I thought it was a rug, but when I stepped on it, it made this awful squishing noise." We didn't ask her why she thought there would be a plump monky-shaped rug lying on the sidewalk at 5 o'clock in the morning.

Another Violent Death

Late Saturday night, the crime of the century took place. As far as the crime itself, it seems as if it took place in the kitchen of farmer John's house. According to a witness who prefers to withhold his name for fear of his life, he saw it all. He watched as the silhouetted hand on the wall raised what appeared to be a weapon of mass proportions. Then he heard it, the motor... Varoom varoom. The volume increased as the weapon was raised. Down the silhouetted arm came, and the weapon's sound became muffled. A horrible squeal was heard throughout the farm, a squeal recognized as poor Tom from next door. Next the witness reported smelling a smell that to him was absolutely sickening. The witness called 911 immediately and reported a murder in progress. Upon investigation, the officers found the remains of Tom, picked to the bone. When interviewed, the lead officer reported: "It is a sad state of affairs. This is the fourth crime of this type reported today. It seems as if the Terror of Thanksgiving hit again, and the world mourns the loss of yet another wonderful friend, Tom Turkey." The murder weapon was later found in the dishwasher of farmer John. No prints were available, so the case is closed, no suspects to be found.

Memorial services will be held Wednesday afternoon, at the old dumpster behind Farmer John's house.

Monkey wins Medal of Honor

A community Monkey won a medal of honor for the part he played in a rescue of a young bird. The bird fell out of the nest and just as he was about to hit the ground, the monkey, who chooses to remain anonymous, swung down from a branch and caught him. The monkey gently placed the young bird into its nest. The mother bird sends out her deepest respect and deepest gratitude to the hero of the day.

Beaver Terrorizes Termite Town

Yesterday, a beaver was caught tormenting a local Termite Town. The Beaver claims he did not know that the log belonged to the termites, and wouldn't have even attempted to chew at it had he not been so hungry. A young termite gave us this statement: "It was the scariest thing. I was just doing my job, when all of the sudden, the whole town began to shake. Then I saw his teeth, big and long and white, destroying my very home." The local termite queen has worked out an agreement with the Beaver. He must bring them one log, fresh and in mint condition, and help them to start a new town. The beaver willingly agreed to this arrangement.