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Issue 1
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A Turn for the Worst

It started as another beautiful day, but behind the glowing blue face of the sky grey clouds were building. No one was expecting what came next. No one would have even guessed. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, the air was crisp, at least as crisp as Las Vegas air can be. Tommy went out to play with little Sally, like he'd been doing every day for the last two weeks. And then it hit. Tommy began to cry, Sally covered her head. It was too impossible to believe, too cruel for small children to witness. But it had no sense of decency. It did not understand the influence it would have over the lives of those two playmates.

First the birds stopped singing. Then it began to fall. On and on. The perfect day had come to an end with one cruel slash, one cruel strike. Plop, plop, plop. Those evil grey clouds had shown their face. Rain would be the demise of this perfect, wonderful day. Nature can be so inconsiderate.



Head Wounds Examined

Well, it's official. The Department of the Finding Out of Things, or DFOT, recently released a report in which the group stated that shooting yourself in the head may lead to serious head injury.

With this momentous discovery behind them, the group now hopes to tackle the related question of whether or not someone ELSE shooting you in the head can lead to serious head injury. Stay tuned for updates.

Better Than Poodles

A local Cityville man was arrested yesterday and is charged with one count of assault with a deadly tomato and three counts of chicken laundering. According to police, who have been working this case for about a year now, this is the most fun they've had in a long time.

We had a chance to talk with the investigator in charge of this case who said, "I think it's every investigator's dream to take out a psychopathic killer, and down here taking out a plain psycho is just about as close as you'll get. So yes, I am one-hundred-percent satisfied with the arrest."

Local police agree with that statement. As one put it, "It beats rescuing poodles from high-power lines."



Pizza Escapes Bakery

Police concluded their search for a missing pepperoni pizza with extra cheese today. The pizza was reported missing from a locked freezer yesterday. Police found it about a block away in the gutter.

According to the baker, he locked it in the freezer that morning, and as far as he knew, it was still there when he left that night. He noticed it was gone the next morning when he opened up shop and prepared to cook it. Police responded and organized a search party. The pizza was found in good condition a few hours later although it was a bit soggy. The baker is being charged with pizza neglect and endangerment. Yet another criminal brought to justice.



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